


pull the trigger

by LowInHighSchool



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 01:28:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16052621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowInHighSchool/pseuds/LowInHighSchool
Summary: a rewrite (with her permission) of mariena_sauce's fic of the same name





	pull the trigger

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy!! yeah me and mariena_sauce were talking and we were gonna write this together but i got a bit carried away...

When Jasper had thought about ending his life he often exaggerated how dramatic it would be. He imagined there would be a storm outside and he’d phone all of his family and friends and bolt the door before going upstairs and putting on his favourite playlist and then doing the deed.

But that’s not quite how it worked out.

Jasper didn’t know how he got to this point exactly. The Netherlands not qualifying for the world cup? The stress of being a goalkeeper? The penalty…

It didn’t help he’d been isolating himself. Barely speaking to his teammates since they’d arrived at the hotel. Killing himself had been on his mind since they’d arrived too, but the match made his mind up for him: he was going to do it.

But then there was the question of how. He had razor blades with him, and he could easily buy painkillers. Except, he wanted an easy way out with no pain and it actually needed to kill him.

That issue had been sorted the night before. He’d gone for a long walk and just happened to have come across a gun. A loaded gun. He’d smiled to himself and checked no one else was around before pocketing it.

His teammates had seemed relieved today. Jasper was more like his old self. Although of course there’s a good reason for that, a reason thankfully his teammates don’t know.

So here he was in the bathroom tossing the gun around. It seemed too good to be true, he was sure something was going to go wrong. Maybe the bullets were fake? 

He was going to chance it though, he places the gun to his head and takes a deep breath.

He thinks about his family.

He thinks about his teammates.

He thinks about his friends.

He feels bad he hasn’t even left a note but it was too late for that now, if he didn’t do this right now he’d lose the moti-

“Jasper?”

Jasper jumps, flinging the gun to the door. He’s about to scramble after it when he sees Robin standing there.

“Jasper? What are you doing?” Robin shouts.

“It’s fine! It’s alright” Jasper says hurriedly, not wanting to draw the attention of his other teammates.

“Jasper! You were going to kill yourself!”

“I wasn’t, i was just…”

Robin shakes his head and picks the gun up.

“What were you doing with a loaded gun?” He asks

“I was just...i found it and I wanted to…”

“Shoot yourself? Come on Jas what good would that do?”

“It would be easier for everyone”

Robin hears murmuring from behind him, turns around and sees most of the squad gathered outside Jasper’s door.

“Guys” He says seriously “Go back to your rooms, I’ll sort this”

Robin shuts the door and goes back to the bathroom where Jasper’s in floods of tears.

“Jas” Robin sighs, he doesn’t know what to say, what to think even.

“I’m sorry” Jasper offers.

“It’s ok. But what happened? What made you want to do this?”

“It’s not important”

“Ok, come on”

Robin helps the crying man up and into the bedroom. He gestures to the pyjamas laid out on the bed.

“Get changed, you’ll feel better. I’ll make tea”

Robin busies himself with the kettle whilst Jasper changes. He’d been right, he was much more comfortable now. He lets himself sink into the bed.

“Here” Robin passes him a steaming mug of tea “1 sugar no milk right?”

“Yeah”

“Want to watch something?”

“Ok”

Robin reaches for the remote and turns the tv on. There’s some bad Dutch drama so he settles on that.

“If this is about the world cup, don’t worry about it. It wasn’t just you, it was all of us. You’re only young, you’ll play in a world cup one day I promise” Robin says, staring straight ahead.

“It wasn’t just that”

“What was it?”

“Just...everything. There’s too much pressure”

“I understand. It’s a big responsibility, but would you have been called up if you couldn’t handle it? No”

“I guess. Just...i don’t know anymore”

“Maybe you need a break”

“A break?”

“Yeah, just for a season”

“Maybe, but what would I even do?” Jasper wonders.

“Relax, travel, get your head sorted”

“I’m not crazy”

“I know you’re not Jas, but there’s obviously something going on for you to want to kill yourself”

Jasper flinches as the reality of what he almost did sets in.

“I guess so” He mumbles.

“Sleep on it tonight. Tomorrow always seems brighter hey?”

Jasper nods and sinks further into the soft mattress. Right now he feels...ok? Numb? He doesn’t know. He just wants to sleep and not deal with anything for the next few days.

“I could have a word with the team psych? Or there’s one at Barca?” Robin asks.

“Yeah, I did consider seeing him but what if people think I’m weak?”

“No one would think that. I bet you half of the team see him but they think the exact same as you”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’ve spoken to loads in my time, it’s nothing to be ashamed of”

“Thanks, I’ll think about it”

“You need to sleep. Come on, finish your tea”

Jasper does as he’s told, the warm liquid filling him in a pleasant way. Robin gets off the bed, allowing Jasper to get under the covers.

“What about the team? They must’ve seen what was going on…” Jasper worries.

“I’ll deal with them, you just sleep alright? And I’m taking this” Robin flashes the gun at him and Jasper nods.

“Thank you”

“No problem, just take it easy yeah? I’m right next door”

“I know, thanks”

“Sleep well”

“You too”

Robin leaves. He heads down to reception and hands the gun in, explaining one of his teammates found it outside the hotel and asking if they could give it to the police. 

Meanwhile Jasper was drifting. He was exhausted but at the same time his thoughts were keeping him awake. He should’ve done he, he should’ve just pulled the damn trigger. And now it was too late.

It’s only then he comes to a realisation. He was ok that he hadn’t done in. Dare he say relieved. He double checks his phone and sees worried messages off his teammates and feels a pang of guilt, but also hope. They cared about him. Not qualifying wasn’t the end of the world. Maybe, just maybe, he’d be ok.


End file.
